<\/span><\/h3>\nStep up by asking, \u201cCan I help?\u201d It\u2019s a simple offer, without judgement. The woman could have responded \u201cmind your own business,\u201d but there\u2019s nothing dangerous in that exchange.<\/p>\n
Indeed, your ten minutes of standing by may have saved those young children from a worse sample of her \u201closing it.\u201d And the young couple who intervened responded just by their presence.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, you\u2019ve internalized old messages to always be reluctant to help others \u2026 even when there\u2019s no obvious reason that you\u2019d suffer for doing so.<\/p>\n
Speaking up would have been a kindness to those very young children and a gentle way of helping the mother. All it takes is empathy, not a grand gesture.<\/p>\n
You did stay without complaint until she moved her car, becoming helpful just by your presence. Remember that response and it\u2019s calming effect on the situation.<\/p>\n
Consider safety? Yes. But ignoring someone\u2019s obvious need for help? No. Reach out. You\u2019ll like yourself more.<\/p>\n
Readers\u2019 Commentary<\/strong> regarding the advice you gave on sex in marriage (April 27):<\/p>\n\u201cIt seems you\u2019re framing sex as a marital obligation. But sexual desire isn\u2019t any more \u201cnatural\u201d than, say, heterosexual attraction. Some people feel sexual desire, but others don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
\u201cHowever, when someone implies there\u2019s something wrong with the woman if she doesn\u2019t feel sexual desire for a decent man, it sends a powerful message that sexual desire is required, to be \u201cnormal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI recommend the book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of <\/em>Sex<\/em>, by Angela Chen, which breaks down sexual and romantic desire to a new shade of human experience.\u201d<\/p>\nEllie:<\/strong>I did not \u2014 and would not \u2014 dictate what\u2019s \u201cnormal\u201d regarding sex within a relationship. The husband asked if there can be help for people (his wife) who have lost sexual desire. My answer was \u201cyes,\u201d if she wanted to find that help.<\/p>\nBut since she said, only once, that she\u2019s moved from previous sexual interest to none, she\u2019s being unfair to her husband unless they both discuss\/accept the reality of his sexual drive vs. her lack of it. If they remain in the marriage, that\u2019s their business.<\/p>\n
FEEDBACK <\/strong>regarding uninvited guests attending a private event including a stranger to the wedding party, \u201cbrought along\u201d by a work friend\u2019s wife (April 29):<\/p>\nReader:<\/strong> \u201cDuring my years spent in the hospitality industry, I met my share of con men and women. Cocktail receptions were the easy ones to crash. Sit-down dinners with place cards? A no-no.<\/p>\n\u201cOne older, very friendly, well-dressed lady would show up regularly at weddings, introducing herself as a friend or former neighbour and networking with the names.<\/p>\n
\u201cWith more than 800 weddings a year at Toronto\u2019s famed Old Mill, dinner\/party\/and wedding venue, we must have had our share of undetected gate crashers.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot all of them were funny, given having had a situation when an ex-boyfriend shared vicious rumours before getting kicked out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hans J. Gerhardt, hotelier\/author<\/p>\n
<\/span>Ellie\u2019s tip of the day<\/span><\/h3>\nRecognizing when an offer of help can remove tension also strengthens your own self-confidence.<\/p>\n
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n